Let me tell you about my Jesus (my faith journey)

Welcome back, y’all! Man, I haven’t blogged in four years! I recently went back and read some of my posts, and I must say, my grammar back then is actually rather embarrassing! *hides face in hands* It has improved, I promise! I guess a lot has happened over the past few years, and I’ll have to write another post about it soon. However, this post is actually being used as a final project for my Bible/Theology: Basics of Christian Religion class at New Hope Christian College. Surprise! I am pursuing a bachelor’s! Anyways, our assignment is to tell our faith journey creatively. What you’re about to read is mine, and this is the equivalent of a three-page double-spaced paper. However, feeling like I should start blogging again and realizing that I have barely posted about NHCC anywhere, I thought this project could be used for both. Granted, I fought Linn-Benton a lot, and I haven’t had to do that at New Hope. Thank you, Jesus! Okay, here goes my faith journey. You ready?

            My name is Kelcie, and I was born and raised in church. I was born not breathing and turning blue, actually. You see, due to a traumatic birth and a lack of oxygen, I have multiple disabilities. Some of them are Cerebral Palsy, a speech disorder, and a complex seizure disorder (which is relevant to this story). I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior as a small child, though I don’t actually remember it. I was baptized in sixth grade and faced many hardships through high school. I was bullied and left out as a child. Even though I did not understand why at the time, God did use it to show me that horses are my happy place. I believe that horses specifically show us God’s love and acceptance. He blessed me with a four-legged best friend who showed me that for nearly seven years in the midst of bullying and perhaps medical chaos.

            I had my first seizure when I was five, but they were not consistent until I was six. I never say that I suffer from Cerebral Palsy because there are much more severe cases than mine, but I do say that I suffered from seizures. I was on and off medicines for maybe four years before I got onto melatonin, and that worked better than anything else. My seizures were sleep-related, and unfortunately, I never once lost consciousness during them. God used a 700 Club prayer to heal me when I was eleven years old, and this August will mark seventeen years seizure free. I wholeheartedly believe Romans 8:28, which says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” God takes the good, the bad, the ugly, and the traumatizing things and creates something absolutely beautiful from them. I may not see it all yet, even seventeen years later, but I know something good will come from it.

            I am going to skip ahead. In the past six years, specifically, my faith has been reshaped, refined, and most recently, it has grown deeper roots. Why? I was mistreated, misled, and then started going to a Pentecostal church. So, during covid, I lost my summer job/home, and not in the sense that they were closed. They were still open, but felt that I would be putting others at risk of getting covid by being there. Honestly, that was the hardest and deepest hurt I have endured. I spent that summer crying to God and just trying to make sense of it, but I couldn’t. I got counseling to help myself heal, and while I still have moments of utter frustration, I am better, continuing to heal, and God has shown me several reasons why that happened. I will keep this next thing super vague and say that I went through a thankfully short season of wondering what the point of going to church was due to circumstances. It’s funny because I knew the answer the whole time, but only one person gave me that same answer. 

        Through this class, though, the answer has been expanded on. We go to church to learn about and worship God in community, do life together, which also helps create an accurate understanding of the Bible, to get filled up, and pour out on those around us in and outside of church. So that’s the second thing, and the third thing is actually self-explanatory. However, let me explain more. Through God working in my life, and Cowboy Church (if you know me: go figure, right?), I found myself at New Hope West, and I believe that’s where I began to grow in my faith deeper than ever before. I used to do devotions and would try the SOAP method (scripture, observation, application, prayer), but I didn’t really get anything beyond “trust God.” The Holy Spirit reveals so much more to me now. The other day, I asked God how He wanted me to handle something, and in my SOAP, I wrote, “rely on God.”

While attending the church and slowly wrapping up my associate’s degree, I felt called to open a school on a farm that combines academics and farming. I figured I should pursue a degree in education, but I honestly also had little desire to go back to school, again, after five years of consistently advocating for myself in community colleges. I eventually began to pray, “God, if you want me to do this, then you have to make it happen because I don’t want to do this again.”…He did. Allow me to tip my hat to three people right here, and I won’t name anyone publicly. Two of them made transferring my credits super easy, and the other one was thinking about how much an elevator would cost. I felt SO welcomed by that last part alone, and honestly, wanted by the school.

            While I am growing my faith, I am far from perfect, and I am definitely still learning about obedience. But I also know that being a student at NHCC is where God wants me, and He is blessing me through everyone there. I know some of what I need to work on, I know God will keep revealing more, and I know I have good company while I do so.

Help Me Reach My 2022 Goal

 Hello friends and family,

As you know I have multiple disabilities and disorders due to the lack of oxygen that I suffered from at birth. You may also know that I have been through multiple types of therapy throughout my life and will continue to need treatments for the rest of it. My newest type is Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy, which is scientifically proven to be effective for people with Cerebral Palsy. 

“Hyperbaric oxygen therapy (HBOT) has been shown, in some studies, to alleviate the effects of CP. Many forms of CP result from a lack of oxygen to the brain. The affected brain tissue can be recovered or improved by introducing increased levels of oxygen. HBOT has been shown to be a promising treatment with multiple studies reporting improvements with its application. Studies have demonstrated the benefits of HBOT for CP with the following:

• Enhance Neurological Repair & Regeneration with HBOT

• Promotes the Creation of New Brain Cells

• Moderates Mitochondrial Disorders

• Enhances Stem Cell Growth & Mobilization

• Increases Brain Tissue Healing

• Escalates the Creation of New Brain Connections

Improve Overall Function with HBOT

• Advances Cognitive Function

• Improves Gross/Fine Motor Skills

• Enhances Speech & Language

• Improves Memory and Concentration • Alleviates Spasticity

• Lessens Frequency of Seizures

• Stimulates Better Eye Contact

• Improves Balance & Walking” 

I’ve attached the link to this handout below. 

The recommendation of treatments for CP is 40 total 1-hour sessions and these cost $110 each. Equaling out to $4,400. Unfortunately, insurance companies do not currently consider Hyperbarics as therapeutic. I have experimented with these and it is my hope to complete the full treatment by the end of September 2022. Please consider supporting me on this therapeutic adventure! You can donate directly to my Oregon Able Savings account: https://www.sumday.com/gift/oregon-able/dgR2SaeAgUyS7Xx4xPBYIQ 

Information: https://img1.wsimg.com/blobby/go/0bf97fda-fd73-4818-b69a-1dbda6d8a6e6/downloads/NewLeaf%20-%20IHA%20-%20CP.pdf?ver=1606059399708

Realizations and Reflections

Part two, let's go.

My last post was about the mindset of not talking about a certain life event out of fear of ruining friendships. Two things have come to mind today, though and at one point, they were closely connected. I am just now realizing this, too.

So, I'll keep this brief: last summer Camp Harlow decided to lay me off for covid reasons (I didn't have covid, though.) and it was the first time in twelve years that I didn't even step foot on camp-grounds. I don't think I had time to realize this because I was grieving a job loss and I found myself with a number of insecurities from it.

 In twenty-sixteen, I, unfortunately, lost my grandpa, who was one of my best friends, one of my number one fans, my mentor before I even realized that, one of my heroes, and just one of my absolute favorite people. I was eighteen and still pretty fresh out of high school. Skipping to two weeks after his passing and a week after his service, guess where I was?! Harlow! Because I was loyal (and probably a bit crazy for it. No regrets, though.) and I definitely cried twice because it was the week of what would have been my grandparents' sixty-fifth wedding anniversary. However, I WAS SO LOVED AND SUPPORTED BY MY CAMP FAMILY!!! I actually told my boss later that I honestly didn't know how I handled that week so well, but I did. I worked that week for the next two years for the distraction and it was an age group that I loved working with.  

I mean, it's really no wonder why coming up on five years without my grandpa is reminding me of camp and my dear camp family. When all is said and done, I will forever be grateful to the people that surrounded me in the summer of twenty-sixteen and the year of pretty major life changes that followed. Oh eighteen, you were quite a dramatic one. 

We Don't Talk About That

 “We don’t talk about that” 

This was a common phrase when I was in high school. “That” could be referring to basically anything but mostly embarrassing moments or disappointment. I remember one disappointment that my youth group to this day does not talk about because we were so sad. I’m talking about it, sorry not sorry, I was a senior and we went to like a weekend church camp kind of thing. They had advertised that there would be a room of kittens and puppies that attendees could go chill in during free time. Half of my youth group, myself included, literally could not wait for this baby animal room and we were more excited about it than anything else. We got to the campus of the retreat and we sat through the opening but there was not a word about the baby animal room. We asked the announcer about it and he didn’t know anything about it. We were so disappointed that we walked to Wendy’s and our youth pastor bought us all frosty’s at nine-thirty at night. True story, it was great.

We don’t talk about the baby animal room but we still talk about the weekend we had together. 

I recently told someone that I haven’t really blogged lately because I write about personal experiences and one of my recent experiences was extremely hurtful to me but it’s also touchy subject with some people I know. So I don’t talk about it because it took over my summer by causing a level of pain that I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. I realized that it doesn’t mean I can’t write about the day I spent hiking with my oldest sister and then having dinner at her house without planning it. Or attending my best friend’s baby shower and welcoming her beautiful baby girl into the world. Or the things that I learned from people through great conversations. Or even the fun family barbecues we had. 

So yeah we don’t talk about that... but can we talk about the things around it? If so, what are they? Let's talk about that instead.

 Life doesn't always go how we want it to or think it will but I'm a firm believer in God having a plan for everything.

Looking back on 2020

2020...well, that happened. 

For Real, Like What Is This?

What. Is. Happening?!
What. Is. Going. To. Happen?!
How. Long. Is. It. Going. To. Happen?!

These are questions that I'm pretty sure everyone is asking but guess what? No one knows the answers...well, we know it's COVID-19 but that's it. Another thing that I think we're doing is looking into the future a bit too much. This summer has been on my mind a lot lately and thoughts of "will I have a summer job? Will we be completely fine by then? If we're open but coronavirus is still around, what will I do?" Of which are legit questions and I think I've come to terms with the worse reality that I could have this summer, or for the most part. My mind went farther, "what if it lasts until the fall?". I began to think about how I'm once again going back to school. A new school in a different town, and really, it'll be a fresh start of college. Or will I? My mind went to a "what if" that's honestly probably not even a possibility so I reeled it back a bit. The worst that could happen is they'll offer more classes online, which would actually be great for me.

Afterwards, I remembered a devotion I read a few years ago that said, "In truth tomorrow will never arrive because when it comes it is no longer tomorrow. In one tick of the clock it has become today." Later it posed this thought, "Are you trading the rewarding moment of today for a fading picture of yesterday or the unpromised dream of tomorrow, perhaps to escape today's reality?" (Quotes from Fulfilled: devotions for single women.)

I find it so easy to think about the future instead of the present and I think it's even easier for people now with COVID-19. Is there anything that you've been putting off because you haven't had time? Maybe this, right now, is your chance to do those things. Maybe this is your chance to stop and breathe. Enjoy the present. Reel in your thoughts and don't worry about the future. Easier said than done, I know but we can at least try.

Serving from Home

Many pastors are talking about serving, serving, serving in the midst of this crisis called, COVID-19. It's great and I support them. But what about believers who are social distancing themselves? I love serving others- nothing makes me happier. However, I'm also among the higher risk population and am staying home these days. I know I'm not the only one social distancing and also wanting to serve people- I've been pondering this lately. So, here are a few ideas:

1. Text/message friends and check in with them.
2. Take prayer requests.
3. Hang out with people virtually. This is 2020- you can watch Netflix with someone across the country.
4. Do stuff with the people you are with.
5. Do a book club by social media.

If you have better ideas then please let me know, haha. 1st Corinthians 12:22-27 (NIV) says, "On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; it one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it."

Wherever you are these days, whether that's at home or at work- you are an important part of the Body. Serve where you are and remind others of God's love and power. God has a reason for this pandemic.

Brokenness = Blessings

"God's not done with you
Even with your broken heart and your wounds and your scars
God's not done with you
Even when you're lost and it's hard and you've fallen apart." -Tauren Wells

I've been writing an open letter to youth about why disabilities exist and while I was writing about the highs and lows of ministry with disabilities, Tauren Wells' God's Not Done With You started playing on my YouTube. Do I have scars? Yes, emotional and mental scars from my history of seizures. I have physical scars from falling. What about wounds and broken hearts? Yes and yes. From being bullied, left out, and forgotten. I also have about ten different disabilities from an abnormal birth.

I witnessed a young girl get saved at a summer camp after she got excited to learn that I will not need my wheelchair in heaven. That I will be running around with everyone else.

So what if you're broken? It is impossible to be too broken to serve God. One of Jesus' disciples was a man who murdered Christians but then he saw Jesus doing miracles. God uses your brokenness to bless others. What's your story? What are you gifted with that you could use to lead people to Christ? I know it's not always easy to talk about your past but it's to bring God glory.

Me? This right here- writing and relating to those with disabilities :)

Come Thou Fount Inspired

As I start school today and am currently waiting for my textbook to download- I can't help but think about the summer I had, the lessons I learned, the things I experienced, and the people I met.

How this came about: I put my headphones on and clicked on my playlist of hymns/early 2000s Christian music on YouTube. The song Come Thou Fount started playing and I was reminded on the conversations I had about craving more hymns. This is weird because I don't tell many people this but I grew up baptist and then went a non-denominational church for many years, and still do. To jump ahead in my story a bit and while the same song was still playing, I was trying to think of how to choreograph a dance to it. For some reason I began to think about my vision, which led to thinking about my surgery/recovery.

My surgery went just as planned (...more or less) but my recovery did not. I was doing great until the third day- I was then having symptoms of an infection. Anxiety was sorta maxing out until I was able to check in with my doctor and as it turned out, I didn't have an infection. That wasn't the end of my roughness, unfortunately. The average time off work after eye muscle surgery is five days- I took seven days to get to the point where I could go back to work. This wasn't my first rodeo but my third.

The lessons learned: one, recovery is faster as a child than an adult. Two, you gotta have faith in the trials. Three, adjusting plans on the spot is not easy for me but I've gotten a few opportunities to work on it this summer.

Self-care: it definitely takes practice for some people and can absolutely be hard, however, with a little perfect practice we can all nail this good thing.

"Why Are You Like That?"

In my last post I opened a door that I've only opened for a few people and I've wanted to shed some light on that aspect of life with a disability for years but I could never find the right words. The door being the mindset of "if I wasn't disabled I would do...". I think that while we're in that mindset we view disabilities as problems, and I've heard people say "if he/she wasn't disabled...", which is pure stupidity but that's not my point. To go a little deeper: this is honestly something I struggle with probably a couple times a week because truthfully, my life would be very different if I wasn't disabled. I've said it since I was like seventeen or eighteen if I wasn't disabled I would go study in Texas, but now that I think about it I'm not sure if I would even be studying Animal Science/Equine Therapy.

A very common question among people with disabilities, I think, is "why am I like this?" which is an even more common question we're asked by children. I think these two things are closely related because again, we view disability as a problem and/or a restriction on our life.

The thing is that there's a legit answer this 'why' question in the bible, besides my classic camp answer: "because God made me like this". I grew up in the Church and have been a follower of Jesus since I was a little girl. As I grew up I knew there was a reason that I have CP but I never really knew why. I believed that maybe it was a tool for ministry. In June, I read John 9:1-3 for the millionth time and it finally hit me. The disciples assumed that this guy who was blind was being punished for someone's sin. Jesus corrected them and said, "it isn't because his parents sinned. This happened so that God's work could be shown in his life.".

In other words, disabilities are good. Disabilities exist for the purpose of ministry and to bring glory to God- the Creator of them. It's not an accident that I nearly died at birth but survived and have a bunch of disabilities as a life-long aftermath. It happened so that I could share it and people will know of His power and love for us. I think this is SO COOL!

I've been obsessed with John 9:3 for months and it helped me through a moment of frustration with kids who didn't understand disabilities. After awhile I stood up from the picnic table I was sitting at and I prayed that the kids would see Him through me- as I often do. I honestly do thank God for giving me CP. If you take away the way people treat me because they don't understand- it's a pretty amazing thing, life with disabilities.

When You're Weak Remember This

There are times when I think "if I wasn't disabled" and it's always when I'm frustrated or my plans aren't working out. I realized that I am most likely not the only one who gets into this mindset, so the other night I wrote this to help us in those moments. I strongly believe that God was speaking to and through me.


They see me here,
I look weird,
How can I hide? 
I can’t. 

They make fun even if I say a single word.
I begin to think why and what if I wasn’t this way?
No, You say. 
I have a plan for you- it will be amazing
Just wait and see. 
Keep talking and they’ll come around. 
Even if they don’t just remember, 
You are beautiful and oh so perfect. 
My opinion of you is the only one that matters and to me- you’re worthy. 
I will heal you one day but not until you complete your mission. 
The mission I gave you. 

You don’t even know how many lives you’ve brought to me, 
The seeds you’ve planted, 
The seeds you’ve watered, 
You help me on a level that no abled-body person can. 
That is why you’re this way. 

It’s hard, 
I know. 
I’ve walked this road before you. 
I walk this road by your side. 
Don’t forget I was bullied too. 
I was mocked. 
I was betrayed. 
I was killed. 
I did it so that you could be free, 
So that you could live for me. 

The next time you get made fun of, 
The next time you’re pushed to tears, 
The next time someone stares, 
Remember that you are strong because I am strong, 
I love you,
I am with you,
I hurt with you, 
Trust me, 
I will bring you through it all. 

I’ll let you in on a little secret:
When people are mean to you,
They’re actually just being mean to me. 
It has absolutely nothing to do with you. 

I am so proud of you, my child. 
Don’t you ever forget that.