Life With CP: If I'm Honest
This blog is called "Life With Cerebral Palsy" but I haven't been the most open about my life with CP. Let me reintroduce myself, my name is Kelcie and I have Cerebral Palsy, and because of this and life in general, I struggle with depression. This may be weird to hear if you know me because I'm usually the that's always smiling. It's true.
In 2012, my aunt passed away suddenly, along with a bunch of other people in my life. I didn't know what was happening because of this. I was confused and hurt but I could handle my depression pretty well. Growing up I always struggled with feeling invisible because I was consistently left out. I knew I wasn't but I still felt this way. I remember coming home and crying because I wasn't invited to whatever my friends were doing. I struggled with these things for years and I still do occasionally.
My junior year of high school my depression hit hard. Our family dog of fourteen years passed away and then my horse of seven years (she was much older than seven) passed away within a month of each other. I missed about a month total of school and it got to the point where I literally couldn't smile. The night that I publicly admitted (in a Facebook group called He Hears You) that I struggled with depression was the hardest night but God was there. He never left. I could feel Him fighting for me. He gave me peace to fell asleep. Before that happened, I texted some really close friends and explained what I was going through and asked for prayers. The next day I woke up with a long text message that my phone actually broke up into five texts and it was just filled with encouragement, support and love. Though I don't have it anymore I still remember what said. One of the last sentences said, "And you can know that not just the Father but many other people (like me 😊) love and care for you, and we see you for who you are even if you are having an off day." Don't get me wrong the whole text was an impact on me, but that sentence was mind blowing at that time. It was a great reminder. Within a couple hours I got two more texts and a Facebook message. I was overwhelmed. It took a couple months before I was back to being myself again, but I had great friends and family who helped.
In 2012, my aunt passed away suddenly, along with a bunch of other people in my life. I didn't know what was happening because of this. I was confused and hurt but I could handle my depression pretty well. Growing up I always struggled with feeling invisible because I was consistently left out. I knew I wasn't but I still felt this way. I remember coming home and crying because I wasn't invited to whatever my friends were doing. I struggled with these things for years and I still do occasionally.
My junior year of high school my depression hit hard. Our family dog of fourteen years passed away and then my horse of seven years (she was much older than seven) passed away within a month of each other. I missed about a month total of school and it got to the point where I literally couldn't smile. The night that I publicly admitted (in a Facebook group called He Hears You) that I struggled with depression was the hardest night but God was there. He never left. I could feel Him fighting for me. He gave me peace to fell asleep. Before that happened, I texted some really close friends and explained what I was going through and asked for prayers. The next day I woke up with a long text message that my phone actually broke up into five texts and it was just filled with encouragement, support and love. Though I don't have it anymore I still remember what said. One of the last sentences said, "And you can know that not just the Father but many other people (like me 😊) love and care for you, and we see you for who you are even if you are having an off day." Don't get me wrong the whole text was an impact on me, but that sentence was mind blowing at that time. It was a great reminder. Within a couple hours I got two more texts and a Facebook message. I was overwhelmed. It took a couple months before I was back to being myself again, but I had great friends and family who helped.
About a month and a half after I graduated high school my grandpa passed away. I have to be honest, I told myself that I would not fall back into depression but I did. I told myself that I was not going to get mad at God but I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't at least a little bit of anger towards Him. Heck, there was a lot deep down. For a little over a year I couldn't say the words, "I'm doing great" without lying. Last month I said those words for the first time in months and I loved it. I wish I could say those three words more often but my depression gets in the way. Now, I'm not giving up on that, no way. I will one day.
The parts about my junior year and my grandpa passing have not been told to many people. I just told my best friend what happened that night during my junior year because I was scared to admit that I was really really depressed. I was also scared of what people would think. As for the part about my grandpa, I don't know. I've been slowly letting everything out about that.
Depression sucks. But in my experience...talking REALLY helps.
proud of you, i deal with also
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